TANKS
D.Va - You don’t know how to dodge bullets, so being able to say “no” to getting shot is the best you can do.
Doomfist - You really, really want to knock people off an edge. You’re also the worst. See: Lucio.
Junker Queen - You’re an anarchist.
Orisa - You got locked out of playing DPS.
Ramattra - You die too fast when you try to play Bastion, so this is the next best thing.
Reinhardt - Either you gave up trying to aim at people so you decided to just stand there looking good while your team actually does damage, or you really love hitting people with hammers.
Roadhog - You’re an old soul and refuse to admit that your favorite pick has since been nerfed into the ground. You’re also edgy.
Sigma - You gave up trying to aim long ago, so now you use splash damage instead.
W i n t o n - You also gave up trying to aim, but you really like getting angri and going ape every once in a while.
Wrecking Ball - You suck.
Zarya - You like to think you’re going to absorb a whole clip from Bastion and then melt people. Realistically you manage to bubble twice, hit absolutely nothing, and then die.
DPS
Ashe - You think you’re better at sniping than you are, but at least this way you have a good gun when sniping inevitably fails for you. You also like having someone else (BOB) clean up your fights.
Bastion - You like melting shields and getting immediately targeted.
Cassidy - IT’S HIGH NOO-AUGH dies
Echo - You suck.
Genji - You’re edgy. Literally and figuratively. Either that or you really love deadly dodgeball.
Hanzo - You’re edgy. You also like landing headshots and literally nothing else.
Junkrat - You’re a pyro.
Mei - You like to be as annoying as possible. To everyone.
Pharah - You gave up on aiming and rely on splash damage and flanking to get any kills.
Reaper - You’re SUPER-DUPER-EDGY. Also you like getting free PoTGs.
Sojourn - You suck.
Soldier 76 - You’d rather be playing CoD but none of your friends want to join you.
Sombra - You like feeling sneaky and flanking, but most of the time you just teleport away as soon as someone notices you and never deal any damage.
Symettra - You like to annoy the hell out of people by sticking stupid laser turrets in obnoxious spots, even though you know they’ll die in two seconds anyway.
Torbjorn - You’d rather be playing TF2 but people got tired of never leaving spawn because of your turrets…so you did the same thing here.
Tracer - You really don’t care about kills, just seeing how many people you can get to ragequit before the match ends.
Widowmaker - You think you’re a great sniper. You’re probably wrong.
SUPPORT
Ana - You think you’re a great sniper. You’re probably right but you’d rather make people sleep than kill them directly.
Baptiste - You like to think your immortality field is going to save your team. It probably would, if your teammates ever paid attention to where they’re standing.
Bridgette - You just like playing redheads, or someone locked you out of Tank so now you’re playing Worse Reinhardt.
Kiriko - You’re a weeb.
Lifeweaver - You enjoy playing the newest character, or you got locked out of DPS (Lifeweaver damage OP, Blizzard plz nerf)
Lucio - You really, really want to knock people off an edge. You’re also the worst. See: Doomfist.
Mercy - You really want to see your team succeed, even though you know all you’ll do is pocket your tank and get targeted first.
Moira - You got locked out of DPS, so you only care about getting more kills than the DPS.
Zenyatta - You also got locked out of DPS, but you actually care about keeping your team alive.
Author’s Note: This is (obviously) satire. Have fun with this, don’t get butthurt over the me making fun of your favorite character. Overwatch is fun, but also fun to make fun of, which is why this exists! :D
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